Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
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Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.