[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
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We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Single and childfree like Jesus
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.