a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
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DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”