just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
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mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭