PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
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They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Cardio Made Easy
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Me trying to “trust the process”
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.