A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
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Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not