8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
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the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.