DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
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Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
omg leave her alone
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
titanic
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?