Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
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*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog