passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
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Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.