Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
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Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests ðŸ˜
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
🤣✨#caturday
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😠the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?