There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
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waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
‘I know a black person’
– White people
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.