I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
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Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Meow
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.