[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
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To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
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Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.