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Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real