*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
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Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed