There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
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15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.