If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
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😂 amazing answer
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups