Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
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if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
good for her
You learn something every day