I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
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I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it