Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
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[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can