“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
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Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Encore…
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines