“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
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Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
pls suprot
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.