If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
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ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”