The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
You Might Also Like
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Me too
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies