My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
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Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
tourist season
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.