My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
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My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.