Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
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Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..