Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
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listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.