When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
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1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
*seductively eats two tums*
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go