My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
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This is why I don’t delete Facebook
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
okay run it by me one more time
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Otters drive ottermobiles.