Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
You Might Also Like
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.