Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
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WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
My biological clock is wheezing.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me