Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
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My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
I’d love this…lol
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
I am never leaving this website
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest