Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
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The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.