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*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away