Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
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*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”