I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
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My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email