Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
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I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams