Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
You Might Also Like
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes