When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
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Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why