Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
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We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM