The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
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I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
SPLOOT
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.