Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
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Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.