describing stardew valley
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Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Driving in Europe vs Canada
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
inside you are two wolves
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!