Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
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Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.