Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
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I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”