[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
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Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Look at this
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
good work, everybody
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough