Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
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Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
catch me on valentine’s day like
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby