sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
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the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?